Through the Eyes of the Infertile

I saw a woman at Walmart the other day. She gave a look at my children and then at me. I know that look. It is the look of the infertile. A look of happiness, pain, sorrow and longing. I know this look. I have had it myself many times. I know it all to well.

She doesn't know of all the heartache I have had to have my children. She doesn't know of all the surgeries and pain that I have experienced. She doesn't know that I have had fertility treatments. She doesn't know that I have two children that aren't with me but in Heaven. She doesn't know that Ashton is an IVF baby. What she doesn't understand is that I have walked in her shoes for many years.

When I had that look I never once looked at a mother and thought of her story or if she even had one to tell. I just looked at the children and would think of how much I wanted to have one. I would think of God and wonder if He was ever going to give me a child of my own. I would have feelings of jealousy. She had what I wanted so bad. I would look at young moms and just be angry. I would see moms yelling at their kids in public and it would make me mad. I had so much longing it hurt.

It hurt every time someone would give their opinion as to why we couldn't have children. There are so many things you hear when you are infertile. "You just need to relax", "It will happen just wait and see", "Stop fretting", "You will have time for children later", "I never thought you wanted to have children" (my mother), "Your still young enjoy your youth", "It must not be the right time for a child if God hasn't given you one" . That women doesn't know that I have heard them all too.

Her look brought back so memories of all the hurt, pain and loss. I wanted to run to her and tell her everything is going to be all right. I wanted to hug her and tell her that I have been in her shoes. I wanted to give her hope. However,stories of success only hurt. Yes I know that is suppose to give you hope but for me it left me thinking that I wouldn't be that one. It left me feeling hopeless. Those stories of success were someone else. They weren't me. Things like that don't happen for me. A kind of "Woe is me" feeling. There was nothing I could say to her.

I never thought I was going to have children. If you would be able to talk to the 33 year old me. She would tell you that there is no way that in matter of 4 years I would have two children. She would say that it is impossible to get pregnant. She would say that even if I get pregnant I won't carry the baby. She would say that there is something wrong her. She just wouldn't believe the next 4 years. I still don't believe it. It is an amazing story to tell yet that women will never know it.

Photos as promised

Hayley in her Bumbo seat. She is 4 months old.





Ashton and Hayley. Don't they look alike?


Daddy and Hayley she is 4 months old


I have been having a hard time getting Hayley to sleep in her crib. She likes her mobile to much!


Hayley in her Bumbo seat at 3 months


I took my shower and this is where I found Ashton. He was sleeping when I went in!



We went to the national zoo. It was so hot that day. We went in July








Ashton was watching TV in his room



Ashton held us captive in our house with the hose!


This is Carl's sister Jessica with Hayley she was 8 weeks old


My niece Andrea and the kids


Got Milk?? (yes its spit up but its funny)


Daddy and Hayley (3months old)

Yes I am alive

It has been a long time since I updated my blog!! Having 2 children really does take all of your time. So much has gone on and adjusting to our new life has had its challenges! I promise I will update on photos this weekend. I will have a ton of them.

Since I posted last time, Hayley is getting so big and well she is already 4 months old! My how time flys. I was able to breast feed her until Aug when I went back to work. It was great to be able to do it this time. I would have been able to do it with Ashton had I known all that I know now. I wish that I didn't have to go back to work. I would still be breast feeding. I tried after going back to work it was just to much hassle and time consuming to do.

Ashton is getting big as well. He is already over 3 feet tall. Over half of my height! He is talking so much. He has always been a talker but now he is saying so many words. He will engage in a conversation and will start one if he has something to say. He is the typical 2 year old. He has many tantrums! He loves having his sister. It is so funny that it seems he doesn't remember being the only child. It is like she has been here all of his life.

If you don't remember I lost my job (we lost the account) I was able to find another one that started Aug. 1 doing the same thing that I was doing before. I have to travel farther but that is OK. It is a job and I know that many are looking for work right now. It is going well. Carl decided to leave Schneider and come with me to the new company National Freight Inc. He is driving locally for them on the new account. Kohls. All he does is drive to the stores and drop his trailer and pick up the old one. He really likes it alot. His hours are all over the place though and he never has the same day off. The insurance doesn't kick in until Jan and they let you have a supplemental insurance. Which well sucks. I hope Ashton doesn't break his arm!

I am in a rountine of sorts. It has been difficult trying to get into one with 2 of them on different sleep patterns. Hayley has been a great sleeper! She has been sleeping through the night since 2 months but she is am and Ashton after I went back to work has gone to the evening shift. I am working 2pm to 10 pm. Ashton hasn't been going to bed until midnight! Hayley is up at 6-7am so I am sleep deprived everyday. Once in a blue moon someone will take them from me and I get a nap. Those naps are the best sleep I get! I should be sleeping right now because Carl is home and could take the kiddos for me but I am here updating you all. I am sure that there isn't many readers left!

I will post pictures tomorrow I won't promise but hope. Anything is possible to get in my way with 2 of them!!