Through the Eyes of the Infertile

I saw a woman at Walmart the other day. She gave a look at my children and then at me. I know that look. It is the look of the infertile. A look of happiness, pain, sorrow and longing. I know this look. I have had it myself many times. I know it all to well.

She doesn't know of all the heartache I have had to have my children. She doesn't know of all the surgeries and pain that I have experienced. She doesn't know that I have had fertility treatments. She doesn't know that I have two children that aren't with me but in Heaven. She doesn't know that Ashton is an IVF baby. What she doesn't understand is that I have walked in her shoes for many years.

When I had that look I never once looked at a mother and thought of her story or if she even had one to tell. I just looked at the children and would think of how much I wanted to have one. I would think of God and wonder if He was ever going to give me a child of my own. I would have feelings of jealousy. She had what I wanted so bad. I would look at young moms and just be angry. I would see moms yelling at their kids in public and it would make me mad. I had so much longing it hurt.

It hurt every time someone would give their opinion as to why we couldn't have children. There are so many things you hear when you are infertile. "You just need to relax", "It will happen just wait and see", "Stop fretting", "You will have time for children later", "I never thought you wanted to have children" (my mother), "Your still young enjoy your youth", "It must not be the right time for a child if God hasn't given you one" . That women doesn't know that I have heard them all too.

Her look brought back so memories of all the hurt, pain and loss. I wanted to run to her and tell her everything is going to be all right. I wanted to hug her and tell her that I have been in her shoes. I wanted to give her hope. However,stories of success only hurt. Yes I know that is suppose to give you hope but for me it left me thinking that I wouldn't be that one. It left me feeling hopeless. Those stories of success were someone else. They weren't me. Things like that don't happen for me. A kind of "Woe is me" feeling. There was nothing I could say to her.

I never thought I was going to have children. If you would be able to talk to the 33 year old me. She would tell you that there is no way that in matter of 4 years I would have two children. She would say that it is impossible to get pregnant. She would say that even if I get pregnant I won't carry the baby. She would say that there is something wrong her. She just wouldn't believe the next 4 years. I still don't believe it. It is an amazing story to tell yet that women will never know it.