Its hard to imagine that 5 years ago I resented mother's day. It was a day to remember my losses and a day to feel like I had failed in someway. I remember how it felt. I remember going to church one year and they were handing out flowers to all the moms. The guy wanted to give me one and I had to say," I am not a Mom" I felt terrible. It would have been easier just to take the flowers and run. Pretend that I had my children with someone else but I couldn't do it. In years past, I have just stayed away on Mother's Day. It was a day of rememberance for me today.
Four years ago, Mother's day was May 15 2005, I will never forget this day. I had embyo's transferred on that day. One of them is now Ashton. Mother's day took on a whole new meaning. I prayed so hard that day for one of them to stick and stay with us. It was a special day also filled with grief over losing Lorna and having to try all over again. Even though I was already a mother of 2 angels that day is the first time that I truely felt like a mom. I knew they were there. I knew that they were alive. I felt like a mother on that day.
Three years ago, was my first mother's day that I had a child in my arms to hold. I had pictures done on this day, just Ashton and me together. I love those photos. I look at them and see the love that I had for him and he had for me. I can see this.
Two years ago, on Mother's Day, Ashton was 16 months old. Walking and talking. Carl and I had made the decision that we weren't going try anymore for children. I cherished this day because, Ashton was only going to be little once.
One year ago, I had just had Hayley our big surprise baby. Hormones playing havok on my system well, I cried all day knowing just how blessed it was to have 2 of them. Holding a brand new baby, and a toddler. How blessed I have been to have become a mom.
Today, as I said before was a rememberance day for me. I felt this way because of what was said at church. Our lay speaker, was talking about not being a mother and celebrating the women that have affected us like our mothers have. As I took this in with my experiences of being the infertile I can now see that I didn't have to feel that way 5 years ago. So I want to say Happy Mother's Day to all the women not just those with children.
1 comment:
It is great that you can enjoy Mother's day now. I still really resent Mother's day. I just have so many bad memories of it. About 4 years ago I actually walked out of my church and vowed no matter what I would never go back on Mother's day. I still can't drag myself to go.
I am trying to get over these feelings before Matty gets to be much older because I know that kids find joy in celebrating Mother's day.
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