We went to a headstone place here in our town. We picked out a Rose colored stone. That was the closest thing to pink we could get. The salesman asks us what we want written on the stone and believe it or not Carl and I had not discussed it. We decided on
Our Little Angel
Lorna Ann Pleasants
February 8, 2005
Lorna must have liked it because she sent AF my way. I was so happy when I got home and discovered that I had started my cycle. I called the RE DR to make an appointment. I have an appointment on Monday. He will make a decision then if we can work on the next cycle for IVF. I hope so. I don't want to wait any longer! If I have to I will but it will be the longest wait of my life.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Monday, March 28, 2005
Went to Church for Easter.
Well, I finally went to church since the miscarriage. I thought I would be OK. NOT! Since it is Easter there are a lot of people there. You know the kind that show up for church at the holidays. Family and those that go to church 2 times a year! Well anyway, it is very crowded. I was sitting in the pew that was tightly jammed packed full of my family. I am waiting for the service to start and all I did was want to run out of there. I felt like I couldn't breath. If anyone had really looked at me they wouldn't have seen me smile at all and on the funnier side that my jacket was on inside out!
The service starts and there are a lot of children there. The minister announces that there is a nursery available. I figure that was because there was so much noise from them. There were a lot of toddlers who stay for the children ministry and then go on to the nursery afterwards but she announces that she will not be doing it. No not one single child left. The noise was so loud you almost couldn't hear the minister.
I am sitting there just listening to them. I couldn't focus on anything other than the children. I am sitting there trying not to look at them. At this point crying over Lorna is all I want to do. We got easter flowers in memory of her. Anywhere I looked there was a constant reminder of what I have lost. It just seemed like the children were there because the mommies wanted to show them as trophies. Look at my beautiful child in his/hers wonderful new Easter outfit. Look how cute they are. I know that isn't true but that is sure how I felt.
To make matters worse, this is the church I want to join. I love the minister. She was so great to me and my family during our loss. She had stayed at the church all day to give us comfort. She was there to baptize Lorna after her birth. I wouldn't even have thought of this. Anyway, I have attended the classes to join and next Sunday we will have the ceremony to let everyone know that I have joined.
Well, I have been considering that my heart may not be in the right place. This is something that I want and will do eventually but since the miscarriage, I have just been so angry at God for taking and not protecting my little angel. I just haven't been able to get over that fact. Why her? Why my child? Why anybodies for that matter? I just don't know if I will ever recover my Faith that I have lost since the loss of Lorna. I don't know if I will ever be the same.
On the baby front. I am still waiting for my cycle to start. I am going to call the DR today to see how long I have to wait before he will chemically induce the cycle. Oh and I took a home pregnancy test and that was negative. No big surprise there. I am now 48 days past miscarriage and 39 days past the d/c. Waiting, waiting. Where are you? If someone out there knows where she is please send her my way.
The service starts and there are a lot of children there. The minister announces that there is a nursery available. I figure that was because there was so much noise from them. There were a lot of toddlers who stay for the children ministry and then go on to the nursery afterwards but she announces that she will not be doing it. No not one single child left. The noise was so loud you almost couldn't hear the minister.
I am sitting there just listening to them. I couldn't focus on anything other than the children. I am sitting there trying not to look at them. At this point crying over Lorna is all I want to do. We got easter flowers in memory of her. Anywhere I looked there was a constant reminder of what I have lost. It just seemed like the children were there because the mommies wanted to show them as trophies. Look at my beautiful child in his/hers wonderful new Easter outfit. Look how cute they are. I know that isn't true but that is sure how I felt.
To make matters worse, this is the church I want to join. I love the minister. She was so great to me and my family during our loss. She had stayed at the church all day to give us comfort. She was there to baptize Lorna after her birth. I wouldn't even have thought of this. Anyway, I have attended the classes to join and next Sunday we will have the ceremony to let everyone know that I have joined.
Well, I have been considering that my heart may not be in the right place. This is something that I want and will do eventually but since the miscarriage, I have just been so angry at God for taking and not protecting my little angel. I just haven't been able to get over that fact. Why her? Why my child? Why anybodies for that matter? I just don't know if I will ever recover my Faith that I have lost since the loss of Lorna. I don't know if I will ever be the same.
On the baby front. I am still waiting for my cycle to start. I am going to call the DR today to see how long I have to wait before he will chemically induce the cycle. Oh and I took a home pregnancy test and that was negative. No big surprise there. I am now 48 days past miscarriage and 39 days past the d/c. Waiting, waiting. Where are you? If someone out there knows where she is please send her my way.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
News from the DR visit on Mon and Lab results from Tues
I am finally back to my RE DR. I was glad to finally see him. It was kind of sad because I really didn't want to see him until I was carrying in our little girl to show her off. Anyway, we had a long hour and half visit. The autopsy report was back and our little girl was very much normal. The only culprit was the blood clots in the placenta. He tells me next time I will be on Heprin Shots. I am OK with that. I will do anything to get a baby here healthy and happy and of coarse Alive!!
We ask him about my sister possibly being a surrogate for me. He said he normally doesn't do it because of the legalities of it. He is going to consider it because she is my sister and where she lives. He knows a Dr where she lives that he has worked with in the past. I hope he says yes. Surrogacy maybe our only hope. I am willing to try again though even if I lose another like the last. I promise to love the baby each and everyday no matter the outcome.
Finally he does and exam and low and behold I have ovulated he thinks. I have endometriosis which it could be as well. He even did a pregnancy test (pee) I almost laughed. Wouldn't that be ironic if I was! It of coarse was negative. He said my lining was thick but looked ok. There were no cysts on the ovaries. He said we can work on the cycle after next. We leave the DR's office very up beat about giving IVF another try.
Tuesday I had the lab drawn to check for the progesterone, pituitary gland (I am still lactating from miscarriage) and an A1C for the diabetes. I called today to get results. Well, progesterone is up so I can't have the cycle chemically induced. I have to wait for the cycle to start naturally. My body doesn't do anything naturally! He also says that he thinks we should wait an additional cycle before attempting the IVF. He wants to check me 7 days after this cycle starts and then make the call. Well negative just entered the building. I now picture it being July when I was due before we can try.
I am now so upset and I don't know what to do with myself. There is nothing I can do. I just have to wait. I have been doing this for 11 years now and you would think that I would be good at the waiting thing but with each passing month I get worse. It seems the longer I wait the more impatient I get. The more frustrated I get. I just can't even put into words how much it hurts me to have to wait another month. I may not have to but I will plan for the worse. That is what always seems to happen.
Anyway the pituitary gland and the diabetes are normal. I am trying to end this on a positive note but for me right now, being positive about anything is just a dream.
We ask him about my sister possibly being a surrogate for me. He said he normally doesn't do it because of the legalities of it. He is going to consider it because she is my sister and where she lives. He knows a Dr where she lives that he has worked with in the past. I hope he says yes. Surrogacy maybe our only hope. I am willing to try again though even if I lose another like the last. I promise to love the baby each and everyday no matter the outcome.
Finally he does and exam and low and behold I have ovulated he thinks. I have endometriosis which it could be as well. He even did a pregnancy test (pee) I almost laughed. Wouldn't that be ironic if I was! It of coarse was negative. He said my lining was thick but looked ok. There were no cysts on the ovaries. He said we can work on the cycle after next. We leave the DR's office very up beat about giving IVF another try.
Tuesday I had the lab drawn to check for the progesterone, pituitary gland (I am still lactating from miscarriage) and an A1C for the diabetes. I called today to get results. Well, progesterone is up so I can't have the cycle chemically induced. I have to wait for the cycle to start naturally. My body doesn't do anything naturally! He also says that he thinks we should wait an additional cycle before attempting the IVF. He wants to check me 7 days after this cycle starts and then make the call. Well negative just entered the building. I now picture it being July when I was due before we can try.
I am now so upset and I don't know what to do with myself. There is nothing I can do. I just have to wait. I have been doing this for 11 years now and you would think that I would be good at the waiting thing but with each passing month I get worse. It seems the longer I wait the more impatient I get. The more frustrated I get. I just can't even put into words how much it hurts me to have to wait another month. I may not have to but I will plan for the worse. That is what always seems to happen.
Anyway the pituitary gland and the diabetes are normal. I am trying to end this on a positive note but for me right now, being positive about anything is just a dream.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
It has been tough week so far..
Well this is the first week on our new schedules! I am working 9am to 6pm and Carl is working 4pm to 1am. It sucks so far. Everyone in my family keeps asking me how I am doing. They all know that Carl and I are connected at the hips! It has been very hard to only see him for about 2 hours a day, especially when you are use to 24/7. When I get home from work, I feel like I don't have anytime. I miss Carl, yes but the time apart does seem to go by quickly. I guess I can be thankful for that!
On the infertility front. I am still waiting for the AF to arrive. She just doesn't want to come! I have pain in my right side that I am sure is a cyst. I see the RE DR on Monday and if there is a cyst, it could possible hold us up another cycle. I can't have the cysts going into an invitro egg retrieval. Lets hope it is just nothing.
On the infertility front. I am still waiting for the AF to arrive. She just doesn't want to come! I have pain in my right side that I am sure is a cyst. I see the RE DR on Monday and if there is a cyst, it could possible hold us up another cycle. I can't have the cysts going into an invitro egg retrieval. Lets hope it is just nothing.
Friday, March 11, 2005
I get to keep my job
Well, I found out on Tuesday that at my work, they were going to be eliminating 1 position. My husband and I work at the same place so it is kind of nerve racking when there is talk of losing a position. We are not the low man on the totem pole and we should be ok. We wouldn't lose our job all together we just have to change what we are doing and what time we go to work ect. We can be thankful for that.
Anyway, we called our boss to be sure what we were hearing in plant was true. He said to us that he didn't want us to find out until Thurs.. What difference does the day make? Why do companies hide stuff until later? Just tell people. Anyway he confirmed that we were losing a position. He asks my husband if we were going to try again and he says yes. I ask him if that meant anything and he says "Well if you get pregnant again, I am sure the DR is not going to allow you to work and we would have to go and get Allan back" Can you believe that. I am 2nd from the top on the list of seniority. I am kind of shocked.
I start thinking about what he said and I started to get mad about it. That is sexual discrimination. I think I would have a law suit. Anyway, Thurs rolls around and our boss says he was going to talk to us about it. We had to call about the job because he forgot. Low man on the pole got cut. I guess someone must have told him what he was doing was wrong. Our hours did change and that will affect me and Carl. We have always worked side by side and now I am going to work 9am to 6pm and he is working 4pm to 1am. I won't be spending 24/7 with him but I am glad I got to keep my job.
Anyway, we called our boss to be sure what we were hearing in plant was true. He said to us that he didn't want us to find out until Thurs.. What difference does the day make? Why do companies hide stuff until later? Just tell people. Anyway he confirmed that we were losing a position. He asks my husband if we were going to try again and he says yes. I ask him if that meant anything and he says "Well if you get pregnant again, I am sure the DR is not going to allow you to work and we would have to go and get Allan back" Can you believe that. I am 2nd from the top on the list of seniority. I am kind of shocked.
I start thinking about what he said and I started to get mad about it. That is sexual discrimination. I think I would have a law suit. Anyway, Thurs rolls around and our boss says he was going to talk to us about it. We had to call about the job because he forgot. Low man on the pole got cut. I guess someone must have told him what he was doing was wrong. Our hours did change and that will affect me and Carl. We have always worked side by side and now I am going to work 9am to 6pm and he is working 4pm to 1am. I won't be spending 24/7 with him but I am glad I got to keep my job.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Its my birthday...
Yes, I have turned 34. I don't like my birthdays and I never have. I don't know why. I just don't like to get older. It really does suck. Today also marks 4 weeks since we found out that Lorna went to Heaven. So today has been really tough for me. I wish she were still here with me. I was really looking forward to my birthday this year because I was going to be pregnant and be having a baby. All those dreams have changed. Now I am just dreaming of getting pregnant again. Starting from the beginning!! Infertility Sucks!
Friday, March 04, 2005
I picked up Lorna's ashes Tuesday
The hospital called to tell me that her ashes were back. I thought it was a good day to pick them up. Tuesday was 3 weeks to the day that she left for Heaven. I was so nervous about picking her up. This is not how I wanted to bring our little girl home. I sat out in the parking lot of the hospital and took a whole bunch of breaths just trying to get my nerve up. I found that somewhere within myself was the strength to walk into the hospital.
I did a lot better than I had expected. I had to Go to L&D to get her. Why do hospitals do that? Why couldn't they have me pick her up somewhere else? I was glad that there wasn't anyone checking in. It would have just been terribly awkward. The nurses were nice and made sure that I was doing ok. My answer now when people ask me how I am doing is "I am learning to cope."
I did a lot better than I had expected. I had to Go to L&D to get her. Why do hospitals do that? Why couldn't they have me pick her up somewhere else? I was glad that there wasn't anyone checking in. It would have just been terribly awkward. The nurses were nice and made sure that I was doing ok. My answer now when people ask me how I am doing is "I am learning to cope."
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