Lorna would be 6 today

Today is a very sad day for me. I lost my beautiful daughter at 19.2 weeks. She was beautiful in every way. Every year I go through a morning process. It starts on the 7th of Feb. We found out she was gone. I had her on the 8th. I remember every part of the day. I remember every second of the day. Every ache of my heart. I remember crying so hard. Devastation. I wish she could have been here with us. I look at my children and I wonder what she would have been like. Would she have had my personality and look like my hubby like the other 2 children.

Missing my angel today...

Its been over a year.

I don't think anyone comes here anymore but I was thinking about it and I might just start writing again. So here sums up my year.

It sucked!!

I was out of work the first part of the year due to fainting in November of 09. I got to go back to work in June of 10! Yea! Hayley who is now 2 years old blew up our house with the toilet and we spent 45 days living in a motel. It was ok and we survived!! I fainted again in Sept. at work. I didn't tell a soul. I knew it would take my job from me!! Coupld of days later We went of vacation to England for my brother in laws wedding. It was my first time there. I can't say enough about it! I loved it!!! (Pictures to follow) Anyway, I went back to work when I got back. One week after we got back I had a mild heart attack. I am ok now. Not smoking that is for sure! Anyway, I fainted again after the heart attack so I decided it was time to fess up. So Now I am unemployed. That about sums up 2010. It was a horrible year for us.

We are getting ready to move!! Yikes haven't done that in 11 years. Should be interesting. We are moving closer to town to save money on gas and everything else!! So as promised here are some pictures of 2010.

OMG I can't believe how long its been

Yes I am alive. Life with 2 has been more energy that is for sure!! I hope to post some pictures from the last 8 months!! The kids are great! We finally got Ashton potty trained in October. We were working so hard with him that Hayley was picking it up too. She is 20 months old already. My how time fly. They are both growing and doing great. unfortunately, they both have my temper! LOL

I went driving for kohls in July instead of doing yard jockey work for them. Nov 30th I pass out!! So I have been out of work since then until the Dr's can figure out why or I am off for 3 months minium. Yes, it was nice having the time off during the holidays but I am anxious to get back to work now.

I have to get the kids in bed now!!! I will try to not make it another 8 months before posting again. lol

Happy Mother's Day!

Its hard to imagine that 5 years ago I resented mother's day. It was a day to remember my losses and a day to feel like I had failed in someway. I remember how it felt. I remember going to church one year and they were handing out flowers to all the moms. The guy wanted to give me one and I had to say," I am not a Mom" I felt terrible. It would have been easier just to take the flowers and run. Pretend that I had my children with someone else but I couldn't do it. In years past, I have just stayed away on Mother's Day. It was a day of rememberance for me today.

Four years ago, Mother's day was May 15 2005, I will never forget this day. I had embyo's transferred on that day. One of them is now Ashton. Mother's day took on a whole new meaning. I prayed so hard that day for one of them to stick and stay with us. It was a special day also filled with grief over losing Lorna and having to try all over again. Even though I was already a mother of 2 angels that day is the first time that I truely felt like a mom. I knew they were there. I knew that they were alive. I felt like a mother on that day.

Three years ago, was my first mother's day that I had a child in my arms to hold. I had pictures done on this day, just Ashton and me together. I love those photos. I look at them and see the love that I had for him and he had for me. I can see this.

Two years ago, on Mother's Day, Ashton was 16 months old. Walking and talking. Carl and I had made the decision that we weren't going try anymore for children. I cherished this day because, Ashton was only going to be little once.

One year ago, I had just had Hayley our big surprise baby. Hormones playing havok on my system well, I cried all day knowing just how blessed it was to have 2 of them. Holding a brand new baby, and a toddler. How blessed I have been to have become a mom.

Today, as I said before was a rememberance day for me. I felt this way because of what was said at church. Our lay speaker, was talking about not being a mother and celebrating the women that have affected us like our mothers have. As I took this in with my experiences of being the infertile I can now see that I didn't have to feel that way 5 years ago. So I want to say Happy Mother's Day to all the women not just those with children.

Pictures as promised

Easter Photos















































Hayley and her cake



Waiting on her cake


Ashton and Hayley. We were singing happy birthday


Hayley and I before the mess


Hayley's birthday cake


Waiting for her party to begin



Carl in his truck for work. He just started with Fed Ex in Feb


Having fun before the party begins


Hayley and I in Daddy's truck



She had a wonderful time!!