Went to Church for Easter.

Well, I finally went to church since the miscarriage. I thought I would be OK. NOT! Since it is Easter there are a lot of people there. You know the kind that show up for church at the holidays. Family and those that go to church 2 times a year! Well anyway, it is very crowded. I was sitting in the pew that was tightly jammed packed full of my family. I am waiting for the service to start and all I did was want to run out of there. I felt like I couldn't breath. If anyone had really looked at me they wouldn't have seen me smile at all and on the funnier side that my jacket was on inside out!

The service starts and there are a lot of children there. The minister announces that there is a nursery available. I figure that was because there was so much noise from them. There were a lot of toddlers who stay for the children ministry and then go on to the nursery afterwards but she announces that she will not be doing it. No not one single child left. The noise was so loud you almost couldn't hear the minister.

I am sitting there just listening to them. I couldn't focus on anything other than the children. I am sitting there trying not to look at them. At this point crying over Lorna is all I want to do. We got easter flowers in memory of her. Anywhere I looked there was a constant reminder of what I have lost. It just seemed like the children were there because the mommies wanted to show them as trophies. Look at my beautiful child in his/hers wonderful new Easter outfit. Look how cute they are. I know that isn't true but that is sure how I felt.

To make matters worse, this is the church I want to join. I love the minister. She was so great to me and my family during our loss. She had stayed at the church all day to give us comfort. She was there to baptize Lorna after her birth. I wouldn't even have thought of this. Anyway, I have attended the classes to join and next Sunday we will have the ceremony to let everyone know that I have joined.

Well, I have been considering that my heart may not be in the right place. This is something that I want and will do eventually but since the miscarriage, I have just been so angry at God for taking and not protecting my little angel. I just haven't been able to get over that fact. Why her? Why my child? Why anybodies for that matter? I just don't know if I will ever recover my Faith that I have lost since the loss of Lorna. I don't know if I will ever be the same.

On the baby front. I am still waiting for my cycle to start. I am going to call the DR today to see how long I have to wait before he will chemically induce the cycle. Oh and I took a home pregnancy test and that was negative. No big surprise there. I am now 48 days past miscarriage and 39 days past the d/c. Waiting, waiting. Where are you? If someone out there knows where she is please send her my way.